By the age of twenty, I lived frightened of my cyclical nature with monthly blood, pain, and mood swings. I feared being punished for acting out, speaking out, appearing weak, or the way I looked or behaved. I was afraid of being unseen, serving others, and living my life unfulfilled.
I yearned for dignifying gender equality, for access to the same opportunities for women in the world of men; equal representation, and equally distributed roles in political, social, cultural, and economic life.
I wanted to see more women’s faces on the screens and hear women’s active, not passive voices in matters regarding healthcare, safety, opportunities, fair pay, education, and so on. And with it, I mistakenly thought that to feel equal to men, we all had to act in the same linear way. After all, it was women, who were joining men’s game and all we could do was learn from them.
I lived torn between longing for a fear-free world for women and being a misogynist myself.
I developed men-like tastes, skills, habits, and strengths based on harsh discipline and unforgiving routines. I learned to be thirsty for men-like success, the only kind of success I thought existed. I neglected a woman in me and my cyclical nature, drowning in shame and guilt for my ‘syndrome’ of emotional swings, even though I was born as a woman and was destined to flow and to shift. I ignored my emotional pattern and other women’s emotional flow, even though our cyclical nature could never leave us alone.
On the way to burnout
For some time, I was good at routines. But with no knowledge about my cyclical nature, I often exercised when I needed to rest, meditated when I needed to dance or forced myself to eat greens when it was time for a chocolate cake. Pursuing men-like linear ways, I neglected my physical and emotional needs and lived disconnected inside. Meanwhile, I started having a growing inner obsession to live a more balanced life, as if I had an intuitive feeling that something important was off.
By thirty-three, with a good job and about to graduate, parenting my tween daughter and caring for my mother, I lived dealing with one burnout after another. I thought it was due to emotional or physical load at that time, but sometimes objectively, I had nothing going on for days, and I still felt exhausted. And even then, I didn’t think that something I was doing was probably wrong. How could I question common ways?
I insisted on succeeding in them, but my nature insisted on cycling; on some days, I felt like too much, and on others, as if I wasn’t enough. I lived with pressure to feel good all the time, in a specific convenient way, and I felt deep guilt and shame for being too weak to pretend., while my mood swings always won.
One morning, I woke up depleted and realized that I didn’t have the strength to deal with my mood swings in my usual ways – gaslighting them, brushing them off, ignoring them. I thought of my options:
The first one was to continue dealing with them the same way I did my whole life: denying their existence and pretending that I was ok, smiling while screaming inside.
The second was to blame, blame, blame hormones, and wait till menopause when the balance changes on its own, hopefully bringing relief.
The third one was to sit tight and wait for someone to come up with a solution and give the answers I needed a decade ago, and until then, to keep my hopes up.
Or…Or I could consider just for a second that my mood swings are not senseless and useless; that they are not a side effect, inconvenient for all. Just for one second, I considered that my mood swings might have actual sense… This idea changed my whole life.
Mood cyclicity and a womanhood
It seems quite intuitive the notion of the cyclicity in nature. But although it was present in my own life since my first menstruation and every month after that, it never occurred to me that menstrual cycle is more than its visible signs. That it affects my mood and behavior and with it everything in my life.
Now, looking back at my life, I realize that since I became a woman, I have lived guided by emotional patterns, often regardless of my mindset. All was conditioned by cycle: my sleeping habits, preferences in diet and food, the intensity of exercises, the urge to reach for a friend and go out, and the craving to be by myself.
My whole life, month after month, it was like a clock – time to declutter, to indulge in sweet food, the wish to run out and then to stay in, and time of feeling not-worthy, crying myself to sleep.
When I gave my mood swings a chance to show their purpose and sense, I discovered three things: first, they are not random; they follow a certain order, and now I can predict.
With time, I learned that there were things that felt safe and calm at different phases of the cycle, and there were triggers that would affect my mind and cause unnecessary irritation, and frustration, affecting my loved ones with me.
All of my moods
I wrote 28 reminders on how it feels on different days of the cycle to help me remember my past and predict what is coming next:
Day 1
On the first day of my cycle, I will cry, even though I will not feel sad. I will feel overwhelmed by tiny and simple things. I will cry feeling grateful, I will cry feeling sorrow, and it may seem like I wipe tears nonstop.
I may want to free my load and confess, have the urge to clean my space from old stuff. Add new colors, sensations, and smells – it will feel good to start a renewal now.
Day 2
On the second day of my cycle, I may crave loneliness, silence, and quiet. I may feel more vulnerable and insecure than ever and need to repeat to myself: “I am fine.” I need reminders that I am worthy of love.
I will need to feel warming hug and to know that I am loved, as I am – uninspired, unproductive, and I will need to feel that I am loved.
Day 3
On the third day of my cycle, I will feel calmer. I will remember again that I am loved and love myself, too; I just forgot about it for a day. I may feel lighter and more social now, and the world will feel brighter too. I feel the growing power of newfound confidence and optimism.
Day 4
On the fourth day of my cycle, my bleeding will cease, and I will feel my body awake. I will greet myself for the first time, my senses will engage with the world. I will not get overwhelmed by the movements, not by noises, or blinding brightness of this splendid, magnificent world. I am less likely to think about my past. What had happened is already gone; what is coming feels way more exciting. I crave to see my future and will feel optimistic today.
Day 5
I may feel optimistic, excited, empowered and may forget to rest. I will get busy and it will be hard to stay still. I won’t get tired and won’t complain.
Day 6
My bleeding will almost disappear on the sixth day of my cycle. I may wake up sexy and aroused today. My mind and body are ready to face anything that might come: any task now is welcome, physical or mental, at once. I may want to create something new and show it off to the world.
Day 7
I may hop right away from my bed and start composing new to-do lists. I may feel the urge to clean up my life space from dull, long-standing affairs. I want to clear up my mind too. I might be unapologetic and harsh, directing and giving instructions, ensuring my team does its part and follows my lead. Today I will feel good; I will feel hungry for life.
Day 8
Today I will be crushing my chores and doing all pending house tasks. I might get bored of them, as it will be too easy to do. FI there is no way to use my energy now I will feel frustrated so I will exercise.
Day 9
I may have more appetite today and make elaborate meals while planning how to take over the world. House chores may seem small today, and I may want to leave. My attention today will be great, and I will enjoy playing in the team.
Day 10
Around this time, my pre-ovulation kicks in, and I may feel suffocated at home. It feels good to go for a ride or a walk. Today I may feel aroused and wish to look my best. I’ll multitask several chores, my to-do list is getting shorter, and I may start helping others too.
Day 11
Today I want to connect. I may think about family and friends and miss them once again. I may search for souls to touch. My body is slowing down and I may welcome a helping hand. I welcome a nice stretch and a walk around the park.
Day 12
I may feel less energized and calmer than a week before. And while the urge to connect now is stronger, I am letting go of personal tasks. I feel confident and relaxed, more empathetic towards others, and may even be people-pleasing to not complicate a thing.
Day 13
I may get aroused easily today and am more aware of how my body feels. It feels like time for achieving has passed, and now I need to stop, step back, and look away. I may look at different things and want to stay home as it feels safe and proper to return to house chores. It may feel as if my world is changing its colors again: from bright neon to softer pastel, from fun cocktails to chamomile tea, from city’s night to chimney mood.
Day 14
Today it may feel like it is not a moment to think big and to go into the world. Instead, it is time to be present with those already close in the existing space. I may have the new urge to make my home cozier, warmer, and more intimate. To bring the family closer and enjoy meaningful talk. It helps to meditate.
Day 15
Today I may feel empathic to others, more grounded, feeling at home. I slow down in my feelings and thoughts. It feels pleasant to do something homey today. It makes me happy; it makes me feel whole. I am ready to reach your hand, give you space and easy silence. I miss my family when I am alone.
Day 16
Today I may notice that my body gets quieter. My mind may drift to my past, when I was a child, unconditionally loved. I want to feel safe for the future in a set and organized space. So I may start stuffing the fridge and feel happy while doing that.
Day 17
It may be harder to open eyes and shake off my dream. My inner world starts pulling me in, and I need extra time to reconnect with my body. My mind will wander away. My physical energy is jerking throughout the day, and outbursts of doing chores are replaced with zooming out and losing myself to the screen. I may feel like I am fading away, and for the first time in the last weeks, I may feel quite fragile. It will feel nice to have a hug. Today I may feel that my old wounds start to open and become sore again, and I want to cure them, to soothe pain so I can heal. Write in a diary, have a therapy talk.
Day 18
My mindset starts changing from thinking that we need more strength to the idea that we need more forgiveness, gratitude, patience, and faith. I need more energy now to fight daily battles on my own. I need to stack my freezer and panty and learn to welcome help. I might zoom out while driving, and I could gladly stay home. I want to avoid voices and crowds, – I am overloading faster then before.
Day 19
Today I may crave to stay behind closed doors. I’d love to hurry everyone out of my sight, so I can belong to myself. I want it to be me-day: me-time, me-space, and self-reflection mode. I may feel guilty for wanting it all, and I might fake smiles. I might like mechanical tasks so I can zoom out. My mind needs space to wander. Today I may say hurtful things, so what’s not working can start to change. I might feel less tolerant now, even of myself.
Day 20
Today I may wake up feeling depleted. My body may feel heavy and slow, and time slows and stretches too. I may need extra minutes to remember who I am and what I must do today. My most profound suppressed memories may resurface and stay with me. My mind may go back in time, and I may even cry. I need no rush today, no pressure, and no promises made. I may want nothing, and when you want nothing, no one can give you enough. I may skip daily chores, and whatever is out of place will be fine. I will look over my life and ask, “What have I done? What have I become, and what am I leaving behind?” I will be tempted to say “nothing” but its an illusion of premenstrual phase.
Day 21
Today I may feel overwhelmed by people who always bring me joy. I love them every day, but today I feel drained. I may need to take additional breaths to share space with them. My energy is depleting by the minute, and I am fading with it, unable to do simple things. I crave to submerge into a place where I can forget who I am and not be found just yet. I do not want to start feeling better, as I need that time alone.
Day 22
The closer my period gets, the more uninspired, soulless, and hopeless I feel. I feel more insignificant and emotionally numb to the world. Today I may feel frustrated that I have to put extra effort into pretending to be as functional as I was days ago. It all becomes irrelevant now, all the planning and all the doing, going out, and household chores. I may feel too drained today, empty and irrelevant, unable to give anybody anything anymore. I may cancel today’s plans and feel bad about it. This feeling of worthlessness drags me down today, and it is hard to love myself when I feel so useless and small. It is an illusion of the premenstrual phase.
Day 23
Today I might wake up with scary quietness in my mind. I may try to do easy stretching to gain control over myself, but soon I will quit, as it will not resonate. What may resonate with me today is to close my eyes and walk down memory lane where I could see my childhood, with places and people of the past. I would wave to the boy I liked and look at my parents, still happy together. I want to see the world with kids’ eyes again and to feel safe. Mechanical tasks help feel present, self-love affirmations are necessary now.
Day 24
Four days before the new cycle, I may wake up defeated, forget to check how I look, and fail to take a shower. I forget about matching my clothes and may wear the same as yesterday. The awesomeness I felt 19 days ago is long gone. I pity myself, wishing to be five again, wrapped in a knitted safe blanket, held by my mom, who assures me that all will be fine.
Day 25
Today I may wake up still, emotionless, quiet robotic. I might get caught off guard by the other’s energetic vibes and get wired, irritated, and surprised by my quick emotional buildup. Whatever I touch, I may feel its vibration, which will annoy me today. I may feel a desperate need to hide in a sound- and lightproof place. Seeing violence hurts me now, so I skip those parts in the movies, in series, in everything. I will doubt myself today. I may examine my life choices and distrust whatever is in my mind. I may ask myself questions that I would not ask otherwise. Does it make sense? Is it even worth it? Should I stop or change direction? Maybe someone knows better? I may feel terrified of mistakes and wasting my time doing all unimportant things. I take a moment to feel the wet of my tears and remember how is it – to feel.
Day 26
Today I may wake up very sleepy. I may quickly do basic chores and go back to bed for the rest of the day. Pajamas would be my best friend. This need for stillness may be frustrating. I may need extra effort to get through the day in one piece. At the very end of the day, I may have the urge to get things done, impulsively, even aggressively, with OCD vibe, as if preparing for something with my body and mind.
Day 27
Today the feeling of emptiness and the illusion of deep self-disappointment may take over. I may become passive-aggressive. I may feel mortified and ashamed of myself as if my life is a waste, a failure, and I am not worthy today. Today I may feel that I am grieving. The pregnancy I do not have, the one I neither wished for nor planned. I will cry over my vain life and past. I will go over relationship failures as if there is some lesson to learn, and now my failures are in my thoughts. Today I may have the strong urge to hide, but there is no place where I can hide from myself. I may ache to be alone and unbothered, so I could convincingly feel broken while never stopping being whole.
Day 28
On the last day of my cycle, I may be present, but in my mind, I will be far; wondering in my past, as if tomorow and future does not exist. I may feel submerged in vacuum and my thoughts will come back to what is already gone and can never be back. Today I need to zero out as my cycle has come to an end and now it starts again.
(To be continued…)