I used to confuse the term ‘resilience’ with ‘pushing through’. It took me quite a while to realize that pushing through life is a recipe for disaster, manifesting itself through physical and mental overload, poor health, low quality of communications, gradual social withdrawal, and a sense of isolation. In my early thirties, I got curious about how to become more resilient with my ever-changing emotional flow conditioned by the estrogen menstrual cycle. How to become more resilient and live not pushing through?
Turned out that resilience is not one single trait or a single action I had to practice, rather, it was a result of intentionally taking care of five pillars at the same time:
- Self-awareness
- Mindfulness
- Self-care
- Positive relationships, and
- Purpose
I spent my mid-thirties learning to become more resilient and be at peace with my cyclical emotional reality. Here is what I learned about the pillars of resilience and the menstrual cycle:
- Self-awareness traditionally means being conscious at the moment about one’s inner preferences, strengths and weaknesses, feelings and emotions, and intrinsic motivations. But this interpretation is not complete if we do not mention the body awareness – awareness of our current biological state and physiological processes. We often fail to notice when we are cold, hungry, tired, or inflamed. I get it – in Western culture, we are so convinced in the idea of ‘mind over body’, that we leave the body out of the equation, as a problem for someone to fix. For women, body awareness as a part of self-awareness means being, of course, estrogen-cycle aware. Female estrogen-driven bodies are never still; they are always in transit from one phase of the cycle to another. I learned that my self-awareness during the first half of the cycle, when estrogen rises and with it self-confidence and physical energy, will differ from one a couple of days before the period, and it is ok. Self-awareness is not only about the state of mind, but begins by knowing where your body is now and where it will be tomorrow: is it cold? Hungry? Tired? Is its estrogen low or high? That is where I start now.
- Mindfulness is the ability to be fully present and aware of our surroundings: where we are and what we are doing at the moment. Intentionally and actively, not reactively. And once again, I learned that it is not just OK, but is expected not to always manifest in the same way. When my estrogen is very low, a sense of emptiness and senseleness takes over and I zoom out a lot, while by the 7th day of my cycle with higher estrogen, mindfulness is easy to find. This is too part of the flow, and it is ok.
- Self-care always looks different for everyone. It depends greatly on the motivation, positive or negative (self-sabotage), behind it. I discovered that at different phases of the cycle, my self-care should look different. I can’t use a “one self-care combo fits all” self-care approach. Estrogen levels, energy levels, social battery, self-perception – all fluctuate, and so should my self-care strategy. We should be self-aware of the current state of body and mind, be mindful of where we are in our cycle, recognize current phases’ resources, limitations, and needs, and care for what is present till all changes once again, and with it, will the self-care routine.
- Positive relationships are possible with yourself and others. They start with building judgment-free, shame-free expectations from yourself around days of lower estrogen (before period) and equally realistic expectations about all other phases of the cycle. Positive relationships require, better yet demand, healthy boundaries, exercise of mutual respect, and continuing communication with one idea in mind – nothing lasts forever, and as the cycle goes on, you and your partner adapt, with realistic expectations in mind.
- Lastly, resilience needs a Purpose which gives direction to our attitudes, thinking processes, and gives our days meaning. To get to know and embrace all of myself, not just the convenient parts, was my purpose, and getting acquainted with the flow of my cycle and what it did to my body and mind was an essential part of it. Later, it transformed into learning even more and being able to explain it to my family, so now they can have realistic expectations of me, and not me pushing through to meet theirs. And I am still working on it.